Helping not Fixing

Defining what is Helping

Helping is assisting others to listen to their True Self (The Holy Spirit, Higher Power).
There are three ways to help someone:
Listening for understanding, encouragement, and setting boundaries.
These three ways can deal with any situation that might arise.
They require the assistance of the Holy Spirit which is available to anyone seeking peace and joy.
Let me know if you need my help applying this to your life situation.

Listening for Understanding

When it comes to listening it is most important that you understand what is being said before you respond. This requires some self control and a desire to know the other person.
While listening, it will soon become apparent that the other person is not making sense (no matter what they are saying). This is because of your own frame of reference. You will need to ask some questions for clarity. These questions are attempt to discover what the other person means;
not for your comment.
Great discipline is needed in listening. We make judgments when we hear something different from what we think. What is most important is to remember that your questions are going to require the communicator to clarify their own message. While clarifying, the communicator will begin to self correct. The longer you are willing to listen, the clearer and more honest will be the message you are hearing. This is espeically true when the communicator is upset and confused. Letting them talk it out is far more effective than trying to get your own message accross. It will be much easier to share your message once the other person is more relaxed and clear in his own thinking. This makes him receptive to your message.

Encouraging Someone Who Is Afraid

Encourgement is not often found in our relationships. We make judgments instead and often become critical of someone who is having trouble saying anything. "I don't know" is something we say when we don't want to be judged or criticized. It's a call for help. If you care about someone, you can help with encouragement. What is most important, is to not buy into their reluctance.When someone is upset the 'I don't know why' is often the response to your question. Consider for a moment that they could not be upset if they didn't think something was upsetting. The trouble for the communicator is in finding the words. A little patience on your part and they will begin to try some words. Once this begins it is important for you to employ the skill of listening for understanding.

The Boundary Response To Someone Who Is Being Inappropriate

The real problem here is that we are told we must tolerate a certain amount of inappropriate behavior if we truly love someone. This is based on the error of sacrifice that pervades our society. Tolerance is love and does not involve the fear of upsetting someone. Tolerance is in having the courage to intervence when someone is losing sight of your worth and goodness and as a conssequence their own worth is not seen either. When we allow ourselves to be a doormat for someone's abuse we will soon become reactive and only add to the mess. I use the word 'abuse' here in its literal sense. Abuse is the mis-use of a relationship. This infers that all of us are abusive at times and we all have been abused at some point in time. The only question left is how severe is the abuse. If we tolerate a little we will be inviting more. Setting a boundary is the loving response to this situation. A boundary in this regard is a little different from what we understand when we normally use the word. People think of boundaries as a way to change or control another person. In the situation of dealing with someone you love, the boundary is a sharing about your response to their inappropriate behavior. In a sense, you are supplying a consequence to their abuse, but one of love not fear.
Remember, if I act early, I will be able to do the boundary and not be worn down by the other person. The boundary response has two parts to it. Withour both parts you and the other are still stuck in the problem. The first part is in turning down the abuse that is being offered. The second part is in offering an invitation to another way to deal with the issue at hand. Once the boiundary is delivered, it is up to you, not the abuser, to enforce it.

Why Fixing Others Is Always Wrong

Our human condition is one of fear. Each of us shares in the Divine which is our eternal reality but largely forgotten. Our journey in this world is to let go of fear and realize that we are God's creation. All of our suffering can be relieved in applying this principle. We may need each other's help in letting go of our fears.

Fixng is always a mistake in human relationships. It implies someone is unable to access their True Self, Being unable is very different from being unwilling. Unwillingness comes from the confusion of trying to make fear real. There is no fear that the love of the Holy Spirit cannot overcome.

This is done with the following steps:
Admitting that you do not know what to do and need help
Become willing to allow the Voice for God to speak to you
Listen within yourself and follow the guidance even without understanding it
Everything will make sense afterwards

Producing this website was an example of this process. We need each other's encouragement to follow this process. It was what Jesus and many other gifted teachers did in their ministry.